The Imago Intentional Dialogue
A great way to start using the dialogue is to share something that you appreciate about your friend/partner/colleague. It creates safety and connection, and it reminds you and them of the things you appreciate about each other.
The Sender’s role, simply, is to speak from their own experience focusing on how they feel and using “I” statements. No shaming or blaming or focusing on what the other did or did not do.
The Sender begins by asking for agreement to start the dialogue:
I would like to dialogue about . . . Is now okay?
Once agreement is reached, the Sender focuses on his or her feelings and emotions using “I” statements:
I feel . . .
I love . . .
I need . . .
What’s bothering me is . . .
After the Sender completes their thoughts, the Receiver steps in.
The Receiver’s role is to listen attentively to the Sender and repeat back exactly what the Sender has said. Note that the Receiver does not have to agree with the statement, merely repeat it.
Receiver:
Step One: Mirroring
At the Mirroring Stage, the Receiver focuses on repeating what the Sender has said, completing the following sentence stems:
-Let me see if I’ve got you.
-What I heard you say is that…
Am I getting you? or Did I get that?
Step Two: Ask Over and summarize
-Is there more?
When the Sender feels there is nothing further to say, it is time for the Receiver to summarize the essence of what the sender has said:
-Let me see if I got it all . . .?
-Am I getting you? Did I get all of that? or
Is that a quality summary?
Step Three: Validation
At the Validation Stage, the Receiver steps into the Sender’s world and identifies the ways in which Sender’s actions make sense from their perspective.
The Receiver completes the following sentence stem:
-It makes sense that……because (fill in here with why it may make sense to them)
After the sender feels validated, then make sure they have shared all that they feel they must share by asking: Is there more?
Offer time for the sender to finish/empty their feelings/thoughts/comments. If they offer new information, then mirror and validate again. Repeat this step as long as there is time available for you two to keep diving deeper.
Step Four: Empathy
At the Empathy Stage, the Receiver again steps into the Sender’s world in order to identify the feelings behind Sender’s experience.
The Receiver completes the following sentence stem:
-I imagine you might be feeling . . .(name 1-3 emotion words only)
-Is that what you’re feeling?
SWITCH ROLES
After the Sender is done sharing and being heard completely, the Sender invites the Receiver to share and they switch roles.
Responsibilities and Skills of a Sender and Receiver
Responsibilities and Skills of the SENDER
secures consent foremost before sending
talk about self and not the other person, using “I” (not “you”) statements
practice Zero Negativity: no judgment, criticizing, accusing, putdown, wronging the other person, shaming, blaming, belittling, invalidating of the other person’s reality
prioritize Connection over being Right;
solution/appreciation oriented and not only naming the problem
be authentically and bravely vulnerable: proactively communicate needs/wants/limitations/boundaries/hurts/pain/challenges after securing consent and assessing for readiness using “I”/“my” statements.
be regulated with “best self” behavior -means emotionally regulated
reschedule the dialogue if not emotionally regulated
send short and simple amounts so not to overload/overwhelm the Reciever/listener
keep message focused on the topic, not bring in other issues; no going off on tangents; avoid brining up past issues; stay present
do a “re-do” when needed; send more clearly anything which was not clearly mirrored
avoid repeating yourself when the Receiver has mirrored you accurately
track and ensure that your “intentions match your impact”
thank the Receiver for listening
cultivate a general spirit of gratitude within the relationship through regular “appreciation dialogues”
Responsibilities and Skills of a RECEIVER
Mirroring requires:
focused attention/presence
becomes open, receptive, safe, a listener, and a “holder” spirit
consistent availability and emotional attunement to the Sender
durable curiosity
the willingness to suspend your own sharing/perspective temporarily and be open to hearing another’s view of the world/attitude/perspective
the willingness to allow the Sender to have a view of the world which is different from your own
the capacity to contain your own reactions and response and allow the Sender to be the “center” of attention temporarily; letting the moment be about the Sender 100%
listen with the intent to mirror back
listen to the entire mirror without interrupting; unless it’s too long, gently obtain consent for a pause so that you may mirror what has been said so far
check the mirror and see if it is “calibrated”
avoid hijacking/bulldozing by offering your response/reaction to the Sender
remember to validate and empathize, and thank the Sender for sharing
cultivate a general spirit of gratitude within the relationship through regular “appreciation dialogues”
Sentence stems and questions are specific to:
“What I heard you say was…” or “what you said was…”
“Did I get it?” or “Did I hear you?”
“is there more?”
“In summary, what I heard you say was…Did I get you?”
Disclaimer: This tool is a supplement/resource guide from the Conscious Communication workshops. The neuroscience behind these practices are fully unpacked and explained in our various personal or professional Conscious Communication workshops. Invitation: We expect a lot of questions, confusion, and/or struggles may come up for folks who have not attended the workshop already and attempt to apply these new communication tool in their life, therefore, Coach Sonali invites them to book a beginner level workshop with her or a one-on-one consultation.